One Step Backwards, Two Steps Forwards
by RedneckGeek
Summary: An AU version of the Season Five finale. Not related to any of my other stories. The truth about Afghanistan comes out, and the team will never be the same.


**A/N If you are a Hetty fan, stop right here. This piece does not paint her in a good light. I used to be a fan, but not so much anymore. After Season 5 I can't even watch any of the other seasons without wondering where her soul went. Hoosier65 put this idea in my head and I ran with it. An AU version of the Season 5 finale.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, therefore I don't own it**

"Hello Henrietta." Owen Granger was a man of few words and even fewer expressions. Everyone felt he was perpetually angry. Make no mistake about it, he was positively seething inside. "Some very interesting information came across my desk early this week."

"Now Owen, you should know better than to listen to rumors." The diminutive Operations Manager calmly sipped her tea. "A cup of tea, perhaps to calm your nerves?"

"No thank you. And you might want something a little stronger than tea." The venom in his voice raised Hetty's hackles, but she refused to let him see the concern he had raised. "Considering I have three separate witnesses, one of which has not even met the other two, as well as the electronic trail left behind, I highly doubt it is a rumor."

She waited patiently as he sat down. She wasn't worried, they both knew how the game was played, and though he had tried before, Granger had always lost when he came up against her. Hetty knew this time would be no different. "And this information would be?" She really was tiring of this trying to one up her, it was amusing at first, but now it was just annoying.

"You mind telling me why you sent that picture to Deeks? Or hell why an LAPD detective was even in Afghanistan in the first place"

"Oh come now Owen. We both realize just how capable Mr. Deeks truly is. You think I had sent Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna alone he wouldn't have ended up over there?" Surely the man couldn't be that dense could he? Owen Granger had risen to the position of Assistant Director for NCIS, and was technically her boss, so he wasn't stupid or unobservant.

"Fine, I'll give you that one. But that still doesn't answer the first question." Granger fixed her with a stare that had backed down Taliban militants, but Hetty Lange was one hell of a poker player.

"Who else knows?"

"Answer my question." Granger paused in thought. "So why Henrietta why?"

Hetty took another sip of tea as she gathered her thoughts. "I was running out of options Owen. You, Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna were no closer to rescuing Ms. Blye, and were in serious trouble yourselves. Something needed to be done."

"So an emotionally distraught LAPD detective was your back up plan?" Granger couldn't hide the look of incredulity that he knew was on his face.

"In a manner of speaking yes." If Hetty had any remorse for her actions, Granger couldn't tell by looking at her. "The man shot his own father to protect his mother. What wouldn't he do to protect the future mother of his unborn children? So yes I knew sending him that photo would push him over the edge, and it's a damn good thing I did too. Otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Granger sucked in a deep breath, before he did something stupid. He had made his share of mistakes along the way, one of which almost cost Jones her life, but at least he didn't try to rationalize it, and he had admitted to it. He had apologized. "So you played him, just like you played Blye and me."

"Played is such an inelegant word."

"Damn it Henrietta! We wouldn't have been in that situation had you not kept information, vital information from both Blye and me." He knew his blood pressure had to be climbing through the roof.

"Oh come off it Owen, it's not like you haven't withheld information in the past." Her tone was cantankerous.

"Withholding information in the past? Yes, deliberately leading an agent astray? No. Sabatino was no mole, there never was a mole, the only reason such an idea came up was because you put in Blye's head." Granger brow creased in concentration. "So letting Deeks believe it was all his fault was part of the plan?"

"Of course, the more desperate he was the more likely he was to succeed. It was also to keep him from screwing up the mission. "

Granger shook his head in disbelief, he honestly wondered where had happened to this woman. "So instead of sending Callen and Hanna in to extract Simon, or letting us do something like fake his death, you came up with this idea?"

"Jack didn't want to leave Afghanistan, and my contacts at the CIA weren't helping." The shoulders under that impeccable suit shrugged. "I knew that Kensi wouldn't be able to take the shot. It was simply to give Jack a running start. Mr. Deeks was simply my back up plan if things went sideways. I just hadn't planned on Ms. Blye getting captured. So who else knows?"

"Besides us and my three witnesses? Deeks obviously. I doubt Blye knows, those two lovesick kids don't seem to be talking as much anymore since you introduced them to Angelo. I have no idea whether Callen or Hanna knows. But both SECNAV and Director Vance know."

"I see." Hetty's hand started to reach for the top right hand drawer on her desk.

"Oh no Henrietta, I was specifically ordered not to accept your resignation." Granger couldn't help a small smile at the look of shock on her face.

"So then what happens now?"

"You are suspended effective immediately. You are to report to the Navy Yard by oh nine hundred hours on Thursday. My hands are tied."

"So you don't have my back on this Owen?" It almost seemed like the urban legend was pleading.

He couldn't help the snort that came from his mouth. "Like you had Blye's back? Like you had Deeks back? Like you had mine?" He leaned forward over her desk. "No I don't. You have used and abused NCIS assets for a personal mission. You damn near cost the agency one of the most effective team of undercover operatives it has, you almost got the five of us killed as well as one CIA officer. Director Vance is very concerned on how this will affect the team when it comes out, and it will Henrietta, you know it will." A feral gleam appeared in his eyes. "It is entirely possible that not a single one of them will ever take an order from you again. Hell I wouldn't put it past all of them to resign. You just destroyed your own handpicked team. Pack your bags. I am staying here for damage control." He took a deep breath, to keep the pleasure from having Henrietta Lange caught with her hand in the cookie jar from showing on his face. "This goes far beyond a simple pissing match with another agency Henrietta. A very strong case for psychological abuse in the workplace on Deeks behalf could be made. This was a blatant misuse of power. This damn near borders on treason, and you only have yourself to blame."

Neither of them saw the brunette with the mismatched eyes off to the side in the shadows. She had been heading up to Ops hopefully for an update on where the sub was at when she had caught the conversation. She wasn't close enough to hear every word, but her lip reading skills more than made up for it. Shock and betrayal hammered into her, as she turned unshed tears of guilt and shame in her eyes.

*******NCIS LA*******

He knew just where to find her. The day had been trying for everyone not just physically, but emotionally as well. Not only had Granger shown up and relieved Hetty from her duties, but Sam and Callen had gotten trapped on a submarine turned into a kamikaze torpedo and to top it all off, Talia had to show up and imply something more happened. Kensi had been pissed, and jealous and Deeks had received more than his share of punches from both women. Though he had to admit the little display the two of them had put on would have been funny had he not gotten punched so much. So when Sam and Callen had been rescued and they all made it back to the mission, she had immediately headed for the firing range.

He waited patiently as she shot through the magazine in her Sig, idly adjusting the strap for the sling that held his left arm. A dislocated shoulder sucked, but not as bad as getting shot sucked. Sam was a big dude and was very heavy at that, trying to hold him as the helicopter lifted off the deck of the submarine had been quite the challenge. He stepped into the range and couldn't quite help the feeling of déjà vu as she laid her pistol down on the bench and pulled out not one but two knives and hurled them down range.

"What happened?" Her voice was soft, almost defeated and it was killing him.

He couldn't believe she still thought something happened between him and Talia. "Nothing." A sigh of exasperation escaped his lips. "Nothing happened. We worked together for a single case, nothing more, nothing less. Kensi she is not my partner, you are."

"What happened in Afghanistan? What happened that scared you so bad, that you quit fighting for us?" Kensi turned and Deeks could see the tears glistening in her mismatched eyes.

He sucked a breath through clenched teeth that had nothing to do with the pain in his shoulder. "Kens….. Kensi please let's not do this now."

"Then when Deeks? When I'm using a walker and you're in a wheelchair from old age?" The brunette took a step forward and for once she was invading his personal space, instead of the other way around. "What happened over there when Hetty sent you that picture?"

She saw the self-hatred and horror in his eyes. "How…. How do you know about that picture?" He ran his tongue over suddenly parched lips.

"I may have read Hetty's lips while she was talking to Granger." The brunette took another step and cupped the scruffy cheek of the lanky surfer. "What happened when you saw that picture, tell me please."

"I can't, I just can't….. if I tell you, you'll hate me and….. I don't think I can live with that." Her heart wrenched sideways as the despair in his voice struck her to the core.

"Deeks, Marty…. I could never hate you. You're my partner." Memories of all the times he had been there for her came flooding back. "No matter what happened I won't hate you."

The look on Deeks face was a mixture of hope and incredulousness. She could see the war in his blue eyes that once upon a time she drowned in and was never able to resurface. "I lost it." His voice was as broken as the time he was wandering around the bullpen trying to find his path. "I lost it Kensi, I became my father, I became Sidirov." He sank to his knees, his right hand covering his face as tears leaked between fingers.

Kensi swallowed the lump in her throat as her stomach plummeted. "No you didn't. Do not compare yourself to those two. You. Are. Not. Them. You do not deserve that." She reached down and tilted his face up towards hers. "You are the kindest, gentlest, strongest best man I know. I won't let you do this to yourself. You don't deserve that."

"But it was my fault you were over there Kensi. If I hadn't screwed up, you wouldn't have been sent away, and you wouldn't have been captured and tortured." The agony in his eyes made her sick. "And when I saw that picture, when I thought you were dead, when you suffered because of me I lost it. I tortured an old blind man. I tried to waterboard him, I had him tied in a chair and I poured water over his face. How could I do that Kensi, how could I do that?"

"But you stopped didn't you?" His nod was weak, but a hint of agreement was there. "It wasn't your fault. None of this was. Hetty chose me, not because of you, but because of me." She had to clamp down on the rage that threatened to spill over. Deeks didn't need that Kensi at the moment. "She knew who the White Ghost, she knew I wouldn't kill him, that I was there to give him a running start. The White Ghost was, is , I don't know any more who to believe, my ex –fiancé Jack Simon. Hetty and him have been friends for a long time. She came up with this as a means to help him survive. It wasn't your fault."

"But why did Hetty make me think was?" Kensi suddenly had a flash of a blonde little boy asking why one that is supposed to love, nurture and protect him would do such a thing.

"Because you were her back up plan in case things went sideways." She steeled herself, this next part wasn't going to be easy, but if they were ever going to be able to quit dancing around one another everything had to come out on the table. Her own actions had caused his frozen lake to crack and she hoped she was throwing him a lifeline, it was either that or she was about to slam a sledgehammer into the ice beneath her feet. "It wouldn't have gone sideways if I hadn't let myself get captured."

Her statement hit Deeks with a force that left him reeling. "What did you say?"

"I let myself get captured, so I could see Jack."

"Why in the name of all that is Holy would you do that?" His words were harsh, as he stood back up and she couldn't blame him. "That is easily the stupidest thing you have done. Why?" The look on his face that appeared shredded her heart. "It's because you still love him isn't?"

"NO!... No it wasn't that." Now was her turn to let the tears flow, as the hurt she had caused flashed through her mind. "I was confused. I didn't know who to trust. You weren't there, things were so screwed up, and the one constant thing for the last four years of my life wasn't there, and I couldn't contact you. And seeing him through my scope turned my world upside down. Everytime I tried to find a way to contact you, somebody was watching, and any of them could have been the mole Hetty told me about. So I backslid, I did something from before I met you. I went off on my own, and helped drive you over the edge."

"So what you're saying is you're lost without me?" For the first time today it almost felt normal to hear Deeks attempt at a joke. It gave her hope.

"More like lost with you." She tried to give a small smile. "But yes, just like you losing it because you thought I was gone, I lost it because you weren't there." Kensi refused to back down from looking straight into his eyes. "I am so sorry for what I put you through. I am so sorry."

"What do you mean I was Hetty's backup plan?"

"She used us Deeks. She knows how we feel about each other, and she used that against us, again. She knew if something happened to me you wouldn't stop, and she pushed you over the edge when she sent you that picture."

He pulled her into his arm, and once again, just like outside the tent at Camp Chapman, she lost it. But this time he lost it too.

"So what now?" Deeks voice was suspiciously watery and Kensi swore she heard a sniffle.

"I don't know." Deeks was pretty sure his more sassy than classy partner had just wiped her nose on his sling.

"I need some time to figure this out. What to do next."

"Alone? Away from everyone?" He couldn't see her face at the moment, but he knew it was an exact duplicate of almost a year ago, just by the tenseness in her body.

"Well not exactly alone, I was hoping to figure out our thing." He paused drawing a deep breath. "Unless something has changed?"

She turned her head upwards, her mismatched eyes seeking his blue ones. "Deeks you once told me where you went in your head when the pain got too much was me. The same thing happened when I was being beaten. You are what got me through. I want to figure out our thing as well."

"Kens, you need to know, I don't know if I can do this job anymore. If somebody can use you to make me do what they want, or I turn into the very thing I been fighting against, I don't think the job is worth it." At her sharp intake of breath, he had to continue, Deeks knew what those words sounded like to Kensi. "I am not leaving you Kens."

"I know, just hearing it was a shock." She stood up on her toes to rest her forehead on his. "Too be totally honest, I have been thinking the same thing. The entire reason I joined NCIS was to figure out who killed my father, and now that's done, the lies and the deceptions are harder to handle. After almost loosing G and Sam today, after the last year, I am wondering if it's worth as well."

"Thinking about being a bounty hunter, then Fern?" She almost punched him for the comment, but restrained herself from doing so after remembering how many times she had hit him today alone, and that he had a dislocated shoulder after rescuing the guys.

"I knew you read my diary."

"I thought it was a journal." The twinkle in his eyes was something Kensi had missed for far too long.

"So we'll figure it out?" She was hopeful, so damn hopeful.

He brushed his lips against hers softly. "Together. I need to get my head screwed on straight, but together. I said once before raccoons mate for life, and that hasn't changed." He snorted as a growl came from her stomach. "Let's get you some food. Beer and take out? Well beer for you, the pain meds I have really shouldn't be mixed with alcohol."

At Kensi's nod, Deeks turned towards the door only to be stopped by her hand on his arm. "Deeks, wait." Kensi reached behind her back and Deeks heard the click as the sheath came loose from her belt. "This is yours."

"Kensi…." He ran his hand through his hair nervously. "Kens, I am not worthy of it."

"Yes. You. Are. There is no one else worthier than you. It is not just a knife Deeks." Kensi could see the war in his eyes. "What you did was not your fault. You did exactly what I would have done if I had seen a picture of you the same way. You were used. I was used. We were used. I trust you with my life. I trust you to help me when times get tough. You are worthy." She drew a deep breath herself, time to jump in with both feet. "That is not just a knife. I trust you with my heart. Don't you get it Deeks, I love you." As soon as the words left her mouth she knew what he looked like when he was truly happy.

"I love you too." He yanked her forward with his right arm and proceeded to leave her breathless. It wasn't the lack of oxygen, or even the pain of his arm trapped between their bodies that forced them apart, but yet another growl from her stomach. "Ok let's get some food in you before you start chewing on me." As soon as the words left his mouth and the blush that colored her cheeks Deeks started to back pedal. "Um…. No that's not what I mean…. Um oh well that works too."

"Just not tacos tonight ok?"

"Ok." As the two partners strode out of the firing range, the brunette paused with a thoughtful look on her face.

"Deeks, did we just talk?"

"I am not sure Princess, we both suck so bad at it, but yeah, I think we did just communicate." The shoulder bump they shared with each other was like old times. "Hey Fern? What's in the new box?"

"Oh no you don't Shaggy. You have a knife now to open it."

**Thanks for Reading. Please tell me what you think. Reviews make me Happy.**


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